Birthday Blues

October 7, 2015


Birthday Blues. I’m not sure why, but birthdays make me sad. Not all birthdays… just my own. I tend to sink into a self-absorbed depression exactly around this time each year. Why? I don’t know… it’s one of life’s great phenomena. In order to break the cycle I though I’d try something completely different this year. Rather than asking myself ‘what do I want for my birthday’ I asked ‘what do I want to give away for my birthday’? This simple shift of perspective completely transformed my day from self-serving to awakening.

On my bedside table lay a little gold box that had been there for about three years. So long in fact, I had actually forgotten it was there. It was given to me by the pet mortuary and contained the remains of my confidant and number one purrer ‘Batman’. Batman was a big hunk of black cat that oozed too-cool-for-cat. He had been my back-up man for many years. Yep. Batman! Anyway a hit and run early in the morning and he was gone. It was so sudden I wasn’t prepared, and didn’t know how to let go.

So there he sat on my bedside table… Fast forward to my birthday yesterday. Something inside me said it was time. I put the little gold box in my backpack and hiked deep into the Santa Monica Mountains. Somewhere, up in them ther hills, the line between reality and dreamtime blurred. In the process of releasing his ashes I felt something inside of myself also being released. I went off-piste and out of range. I got lost in the trails. I felt surrounded by the spirit of the mountain lion, honeybee, humming bird and yucca tree not to mention; black cat. I broke down. Tears of love and loss mixed with dust and cremated cat on my face. I took my shoes off to remove the interference between my feet and the earth and walked for hours in a place void of time. At times I felt ecstatic and completely free... no body, dust returning to earth, spirit soaring.

The birthday cloud has finally lifted and today I am left with the greatest gift of having flown with Batman and finally letting go.

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